Letter to Mom (Death's Voice)

If I die

I know that's a strange way to start a letter to my mom
But at night
My mind wanders
What if I don't wake up tomorrow?

But at that frightening thought
My fear isn't death
At that moment
I think of my mother

I know it seems a strange thought
From a Son to a Mother
but it wouldn't be the first time
My mom woke up
Alone

I can't help but imagine if she woke up without me
I wouldn't be the first to leave

She never showed me those tears
But as an adult you become aware of things
A child can't fathom
It's a beautifully deep pit
Its depth is invigorating, mesmerizing, encaptivating, enchanting, bewitching, alluring
And the way it beckons is truly truly terrifying

There's a cracking sound in a mothers weep
I'm forever grateful she always kept it hidden
I never heard that shattering sound
But with Time all Secrets eventually become revealed

I want to leave her a note

Keep running
You raised me
Alone
But I was never
alone
And these wings you gave me
Goddam these glorious wings

They are the sum of every goodnight kiss
Every buenos noches, te amo we said before bed in broken Caucasian
Every Singing in the Rain
Where I swung my head back and belted out the last line
And you laughed
And I couldn't figure out what was so funny
Because I just had to get that note right
And that was a very serious matter
And that time you yelled at me because you never call anyone that word!
Do you know that are neighbors are gay?
And I hung my head because I didnt...
And that time you told me to shut up cause I kept talking and talking and talking and talking
And I really wasn't letting you talk
And I really was being pretty disrepectful
And really you should take a breath and stop ranting
And let other people talk
Because it would rude to keep them hanging onto a word just cause you wanted to hear your own voice
Wait were you saying something?

Each one of those moments adding a feather upon my back.
Until they were big enough that you could kick me- pop- right out of the nest.
And after a few failed attempts.
They let me fly
And see life in a way few people can even fathom.
Each feather of love became a decade of memories.
So even if I drop dead at thirty.
I'll have opened up enough gifts for a thousand lifetimes.

So I only have one request
Please
PLEASE
Keep running
Keep loving
Keep flying
Because I want every day you live to be as happy as every moment I ever got to see from that soaring bird's eye view.
And if you are ever stuck walking on the ground.
Look overhead for the two Eagles soaring up over head,
Beckoning you to join us... but not yet.